lightbleueyes

I shouldn't have woken up that morning- I had taken so many pills the night before, Each of them forced painfully down my throat, And eventually sloshing inside of my stomach I wrote my final statements to the world, I clipped a playing card onto my door as a final goodbye, And by then I was far beyond ready to be gone forever ...But then I woke up that morning, And the devastation I felt couldn't be put into enough words, My plan for peace and escape had failed when it wasn't supposed to I told it was going to be okay constantly after that, But now I'm starting to think again... That maybe I had the right idea first after all Because now I'm being forced to live a life, And a dream that isn't mine anymore, And Everything about me is so badly broken by forces out of my control I can't put myself back together anymore I wish I hadn't woken up that morning

My back hurts, From being the only one to love myself My back hurts, From being the only one I can trust in my life My back hurts, From pulling myself together over and over again After every breakdown After every rejection After every devastation After every tragedy After all these years I am exhausted I am hurt I am broken I am bleeding I don't want to endure this anymore Why can't I just give up already?

I'm not a pretty thing, All the beauty in my being, Has dried up a long, long time ago It evaporated into the stars, And all it left, Was a crusty shell of a human, With an unattractive smile When I see judging eyes, I just want to yell, That "the anti psychotics made me this way" But in the end, Who cares? Because no matter what the cause was, It'll always be dead weight to everybody else I do not exist to anybody really, As they can't imagine a future, Where I would be loved by someone else My presence is a place holder, And it's times like these when I know, Just how invisible I truly am to everyone

I once heard a hallucination, Right outside my window, It was the screaming of a million people, And I wasn't scared, but I was extremely confused They weren't screams of disappointment, Or screams of anger and frustration, They were happy and encouraging, Like fans cheering at a concert when artists play their songs I didn't know what to make of it, But it felt like a turning point, And I didn't know which way it would go But I still think about those screams, That were right outside my window

My life is not a love story, It's a lonely one instead, Only hallucinations lay beside me, When I'm resting in my bed When I go out to eat, There is nobody holding my hand, So I count the crows that fly above me, To see if my good luck that day is going to expand My text messages aren't love letters, So I let signs scream into my ears, Cause more often than not they tell me good things, As if it was a poem written for me to dissolve away my fears Nobody is there to walk next to me, As I experience this horrid sensation, Because my life may not be a love story, But maybe it's one about determination

I am no longer human, am I? I can see why people keep their distance sometimes, They use me when they need me the most, And then throw me away for someone else as soon as they're done I am no longer human, am I? At this point I am just flesh loosely pieced together, Stitched with a broken future, And glued with a darker past They'll laugh with me one day, And cry with me the another time, But when I scream loudly into the sky, The only person who can hear me is myself I think I was always just an emotional tissue, That people could blow their noses into, Because they knew I would listen with every piece of my heart, And be by their side no matter what But I'm so tired of being hurt all the time, As if my pain and hurt is insignificant, I don't get to judge you, But you get to judge me, Your problems are caused by everybody else, And my problems are caused by me I am no longer human to anybody anymore.

You're probably happier without me, And I should've known that from the start, But I was too selfish to let you go, So I only left when I fell apart You've always loved beautiful things, And I am anything but that, You could replace me with a sharpened knife, And it would probably hurt less to look at Whenever you're on my mind, People see my stupid smile, They ask me what I'm laughing at, As I choke on my stomach bile I don't want to know the truth, No matter what it might bring, You're probably happier without me anyways, And that hurts me more than anything

I am special to nobody, And boy do I realize it, When I talk to my friends They describe their significant others, With words as brilliant as diamonds, As if that person was no longer human, But something from another dimension entirely I can't imagine, Somebody describing me as anything but a friend, Someone so forgettable, That they just fade into the background Nobody sees anything in my eyes, No hint of stars or galaxies, Are anywhere to be found, Just a stare and the color brown Nobody looks at me, As if I was their oxygen, As if I was the moon to their sun, As if I was anything more than, A side character in their story I am special to nobody, And that hurts me more than I'd like to admit, So I guess for now, I'll be my own supernova

I want to set my fears aside, But sometimes I just can't, The PTSD might have flown away, But the anxieties in my stomach keep growing like a Plant I can hear the doors opening, And I can hear the footsteps pounding, The way my heartbeat makes my skin crawl, Can only be described as sickly astounding Sometimes I hold my breathe, Which leaves me feeling impaired, I bite my lips until they bleed, But still I refused to be scared So I will set my fears aside, And I pray that I will be okay, I'll try not to feed my worries ever again, Starting from today